2007 World Cup: the ‘high’ ‘lights’

And now… here are our own World Cup highlights. Imagine me introducing them in fancy dress. It’s the theatre of the mind.
 
1. Bob Willis’ post-mortem after England’s exit. Sky had two hours to fill after England’s lame early exit against South Africa. Handily enough, Willis was on hand to give arguably the most imperious display in broadcasting history, as he railed against  everything from the Sunday League to fortnightly waste collection, offered to take over as the ECB’s director of cricket and flung around words like ‘squandered’ with abandon. Gower was trying not to laugh.  

2. Mark Nicholas’ on-air application for Australian residency in the final. He didn’t quite get to screaming ‘Aw, mate! Strewth! Take that you beauty!’ as Gilly laid waste to the Sirils. But he may just as well as. 

3. Those brilliant little films that the BBC used to introduce the highlights esp. the one that had Rishi Persad dressed up as the captain of a ship – Nelson hat and all – overlooking a harbour, making some gag about Australia playing with great freedom. Or something. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Just show us the cricket. Is that so hard? As for the Boy Manish’s weird local-paper voiceovers, we say: never again should the job be given to a competition-winner. 

4. Stickcricket/Spin/Challenge Kemp’s World Cup song. You’ll have read in these pages last month the story behind the making of this ska-based, trumpet smothered, gloomy, lo-fi ode to coach Fletcher’s boys. Well, having got enough hits to go to No 1 (ie more than 250), Kemp is now taking his ‘sound’ out on tour. See the site for more extraordinary details, if you dare. 

5. Damien Fleming on Sky. See, we’re quite big fans of the Flem’s easygoing impishness. But not as big as the Sky producers who, during England v Bangladesh, had him spend a whole over ‘interviewing’ and taking very seriously the punditry of two well oiled northerners in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costumes. Painful. Saying “that’s five off” when you mean “that’s five off the over” isn’t winning you any friends, either, mate.

6. Nasser Hussain. We love the man and the way he shakes with rage at every opportunity. Sport is nothing if it’s not taken seriously and, as his ace autobiog showed, Nass is still punching the walls over leg-before decisions from 1989. His tearful defence of Fletch’s status as the world’s best coach after the South Africa debacle was good value. And when Michael Slater was moaning about the Sirils’ resting Murali, Nass’ “Dry your eyes, Slats” riposte was perfect. If only he hadn’t then whacked him with that chair leg, it would have been Bafta-level stuff.

7. Percy Sonn. The ICC’s prez’s speech at the end of the final defined everything that was wrong about everything. No-one came to see you, mate! Let the Aussies have the Cup!

8.  The BBC’s Panorama about the Bob Woolmer investigation. Apparently, some Pakistanis are Muslims and they quite like cricket. Cheers!

9. Ravi Bopara. Genuinely – exciting to watch and obviously loving it. Let’s get 11 of him in the team.

10. Nicko Nixon. What IS he talking about? “I’m a very nasty man.” “In the pink, Monty.” “There’s only you and me here, Vaughany.” 

11.  Ricky Ponting – talking faster than any man ever talked. Made Sir Patrick Moore look like Bob Willis.

12.  Slinger Malinga. Of course.

You’ll have had your own. 

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