Tale of the tape: ICC Cricket World

ICC Cricket World has been around a while. Distributed by the ICC, it is a magazine show given for free to TV networks around the world, a half-hour package designed to promote the sport. Currently, it’s showing on Setanta. 

So far so good. Sadly, though, the production values on the ICC’s ‘flagship’ ‘show’ make Late-Night Bingo look like Doctor Zhivago. And that’s being kind.

2 minutes: At half-time in the highlights of an India-Sri Lanka ODI, the prodcucers use all the televisual powers at their disposal to put up a still picture of Sanath Jayasuriya next to a page of his career stats. This still image remains on the screen for 27.34 seconds.

Then, after a full 65 seconds of action from the India innings – in which new Murali Ajantha Mendis takes six wickets – we’re back to the still images: this time a match summary card which stays on screen for 23.27 seconds. The voiceover is excrutiating, as it is throughout: a mid-Atlantic local radio gloop, with enTIREly RANdom inTONations and no suggestion that the fella has any idea what cricket, or indeed the English language, is. 

7 mins: A ‘sting’: “I’m Simon Katich and you’re watching ICC Cricket World,” says the least famous member of the Australian side direct to camera, looking slightly abashed.

7 mins 10 secs: The voiceover ‘artist’ introduces the ‘Heroes of the Game’ slot. We know it’s the Heroes of the Game slot because a big still image with the words ‘Heroes of the Game’ appears on screen for a seemingly interminable 4.85 seconds.

The hopeless voiceover goes: “He’s one of the JOKERS of the England side and now he’s ALSO stepping up to become one OF the stars and in THIS team where all the members CAN have a laugh with each OTHER.”

Who could this be? A hero of the game? A noted joker? Why, yes, readers: it’s Ian Bell.

Of course it is. 

There follows a simply hopeless precis of Belly’s career, which sounds as though it was written in Japanese before being put through an automatic web-translator. “There’s so much more to be told in the story of Ian Bell,” says our man excitingly. “So much so that the man himself is reluctant to make goals for his career but just to be all that he can be.”

Pure jibberish, surely?

12 mins A quiz! That’s bound to be good, no?

No. It’s another 25 seconds with just words on the screen. Those words are 1) a question asking how many times India has won the Asia Cup and 2) the answer: four times. So now you know.

12 mins 26 secs Coverage of the ICC’s annual meeting. Shots of ICC bigwigs shuffling shiftily into a press conference in Dubai. Moving pictures at least, but barely. The officials look so shifty that I wonder if they think the press’ questions will centre on where the allotted budget for ICC Cricket World has actually gone. 

14 mins. News of Australia’s last ODI in the West Indies now. Delivered via the medium of static scorecard, on the screen for 35.45 seconds. No video footage. 

16 mins. At last something professionally produced! Yes, it’s the adverts. 

19 mins. Part 2 begins with another straight-to-camera sting. ‘You’re watching ICC Cricket World’ says Jacques Rudolph, in his South Africa tracksuit, which he last wore in August 2006, before going Kolpak for Yorkshire. This show is airing in July 2008. So that’s not very good, is it?

24 mins “Now it’s time to test your cricket knowledge,” says our man. My view is that the producers of this show are possibly not fit to act as question-master at a toddlers’ tea party. But this is actually the pinnacle/nadir of the whole shooting match. Yes, its’s the Dubai Duty Free Surprise Player of the Week. It’s yet another still, with a player’s face obscured by a cricket ball. Each clue sees a part of the ball removed. Our mission is to guess the player before his face is revealed. We have 45 seconds to do it. Beforehand, there is a 19.78 second preamble while Mateyboy explains the rules. Then the 45 seconds itself which, of course, is actually, 49.42 seconds long as the producers play desperately for time. 

Clue 5 is: “Apart from cricket, he is also interested in cars and cakes.”

After Aravinda de Silva (for it is he) is unmasked, we get another 13.45 seconds of still pictures trailing next week’s Dubai Duty Free Surprise Player of the Week. “Don’t forget to tune in,” urges Mateyboy. Various (still) images of cricketing personalities flash up in the ball during this. Marvan Atapattu. Rod Marsh. Jacques Rudolph again. No, seriously. 

26 mins. Mateyboy urges us to watch again next week. There’s more mangling of syntax and intonation as he promises action from the first Test between England and South Africa and “much much more.” No indication that at least 50 per cent of that “much much more” is likely to be still pictures of scorecards, mixed with mug-shots of Hashan Tillekeratne and Colin Dredge.

The third umpire’s verdict? Even a small child knows that in 2008, with a bit of imagination and the right presenter, you can make great TV without breaking the bank. The basic errors in the production of the show, however, suggest the real problem is that those involved either have no love of cricket or no love of television. 

Which, when it comes to making a television cricket show, may, I suggest, put you at something of a disadvantage.