The greatest series of all?

June 5 They’re here! Australia arrive in England and immediately start talking the talk. “This is a big tour for us – it always is – but more especially because it is No. 1 in the world against No. 2,” chirps Ricky Ponting. “It should be great all round.” Be careful what you wish for, Punter…

June 6 Punter and the boys travel to Lille to visit the graves of Australian soldiers killed in the First World War. Four years ago, Steve Waugh’s team had taken time out on the way over from Oz to visit Gallipoli.

June 8  Shane Warne joins a select band, as he sends his 100,000th text message. Maybe. He also unveils an oil-on-water pic of himself in the Long Room at Lord’s, which took the artist Fanny Rush 10 months to complete. Warne now hangs alongside Don Bradman and Keith Miller in the pavilion. “I feel very proud,” he says. “It’s taken a lot of -sittings with Fanny.” SPIN comes within a whisker of plumbing new gag-related depths.

June 9 In the tour opener, Australia trounce the PCA Masters XI, a shambling collective that includes former England enigmas Devon Malcolm, 94, and Chris Lewis. More importantly, Channel 4 announce that Tony Greig is to join their Ashes commentary team in place of Dermot Reeve.

June 10 The Michael Fish (“reports of a -hurricane are unfounded”) moment of the -summer: Bill Brown, Australia’s oldest former Test player, believes Ricky Ponting’s side can ape the unbeaten record of the 1948 Invincibles. “They are not playing many games, let’s face it.” And they only lost seven of them, let’s face that too.

June 11 Matty Hayden (107 off 96 balls) and Andrew Symonds (92 off 59) pillage Leicestershire’s finest in a 95-run whooping; Leicestershire’s lowest pillage Michael Clarke and Michael Kasprowicz of their cricket equipment.

June 13 Twenty20 international, Rose Bowl: 
England (179-8) beat Australia (79 all out) by 100 runs

The curtain is raised on the Ashes summer, and -England wrap a hammer in it and pummel Australia to pieces. By 100 runs. 100 runs! In a 20-over match! At one stage in the first (men’s) -Twenty20 international in England, Australia are 31-7, having lost seven wickets in 20 balls. “Get yer pads on Glenn McGrath!” yelps a delirious Nasser Hussain in the Sky commentary box. New hero Kevin Pietersen (34 off 18 balls) is voted man of the match. 

June 14 Ricky Ponting called it “a bit of a laugh”. Michael Vaughan said it was “a bit of lottery”, but the Pommie press are loving the fallout of the Twenty20. It’s Game On. “The Aussies – are they Bangladesh in disguise?” chuckles The Sun’s John Etheridge. Nothing like a good winner, eh? “Is this the worst Twenty20 side ever to visit these shores? Go on, have some fun and enjoy the moment. It might not happen too often.” Well…

June 15 A routine day at the office for Australia, who club 342-5 in a 50-over match in Somerset. And lose! Graeme Smith (108 off 74 balls) and Sanath Jayasuriya (101 off 79 balls) blast blistering centuries as Australia are humiliated with 21 balls to spare. You couldn’t make it up. You don’t have to!

June 16 Brit Oval: England (192-0) beat Bangladesh (190)

England show just how rubbish Bangladesh are by slaughtering them by 10 wickets in the NatWest Series opener. These Banglas will do well to take a wicket, let alone win a game. Anyone who loses to them must be right charlies, etc etc.

June 17 Australia celebrate Shane Watson’s 24th birthday. Sideshow Symonds really celebrates it, getting back at 4.30 in the morning. 

June 18 Cardiff: Bangladesh (250-5, 49.2 overs) beat Australia (249-5) by 5 wickets.

The greatest upset in the history of cricket, bar none: Bangladesh beat Australia. Bangladesh. Beat.- -Australia. Convincingly. “We’ve got a short bus ride tonight when we will be sitting with the coaches and talking a lot of things through,” says Punter. “I’m a -little bit worried. If you lose to Bangladesh, you should be a little bit worried.” 

Symonds is missing from the Australian XI. First he is said to have a touch of flu; then it’s a niggle, and just before the word goes out that the dog ate him, Australia concede that he has been dropped for the weekend’s matches and fined AUS $8,000 for “inappropriate” behaviour. As events unfold, Symonds’ absence seems a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Time to press the panic button, Mr Ponting? “It’s getting pretty close.”

June 19 Bristol: England (253-7, 47.3 overs) beat Australia (252-9) by 3 wickets

Push that button, Punter! Kevin Pietersen flays what Michael Vaughan calls the best one-day innings he’s ever seen to propel England home, hitting 91 off 65 balls, including 61 off his last 26. It’s the fourth game the Aussies have lost in a week. 

June 21 Nottingham: England (391-4) beat Bangladesh (223 all out) by 168 runs.

Paul Collingwood (112* and 6-31) gives the 
greatest all-round performance in ODI history. Chris Tremlett, on a debut hat-trick, hits the stumps. The bails stay put. Gah!

June 22 Shane Watson and Brett Lee share a hotel room. All above board, folks: Watson was freaked out by the sight of the ghost of Lily of Lumley at the Aussies’ hotel in Durham and refused to sleep on his own. Insert your own big ghoul’s blouse joke here. Durham chief executive David Harker adds his: “We heard there were a few blinds rattling up there last night, but we thought it was just Andrew Symonds coming in late after another night on the town.” Honk!

June 23 Durham: Australia (266-5) beat England (209-9) by 57 runs

Who’s laughing now? Australia return to form with a chillingly efficient demolition of England. The -returning Symonds is man of the match for his 73 off 81 balls; stand-in captain Marcus Trescothick (a 15-ball duck and the absurd decision to put Australia in, in a day-night match) sports the dunce’s cap.

June 25 Manchester: Australia (140-0) beat Bangladesh (139 all out) by 10 wickets. A week on from their ultimate humiliation, Australia -remember how it should be done – they cudgel the Banglas with 31 overs to spare. Symonds is man of the match again, this time for his bowling (5-18 off 7.2 overs). 

June 26 Leeds: England (209-5, 38.5 overs) beat Bangladesh (208-7, 50 overs) by 5 wickets) England book their place in the NatWest Series final. Andrew Strauss (98) fills his boots again. Shane Warne – not with the tour party yet – announces that he is to separate from his wife, after he is involved in a series of kiss-and-tell allegations in the Sunday red-tops. 

June 28 Birmingham: Australia (261-9). -England (27-1). No result. A stormy dress rehearsal for the NatWest Series final is rained off, but only after Simon Jones and Matthew Hayden have had a memorable contretemps: Jonah the bowler wangs a random return straight into the ribcage of the hulking Hayden, who for some reason, isn’t amused. As the pair exchange views on who deserved to win Celebrity Love Island, Paul -Collingwood storms in to provide back-up while Andrew Strauss lets rip some beautifully enunciated abuse. England won’t back down, you know.

June 30 Canterbury: Australia 254-4) beat Bangladesh (250-8) by 6 wickets. Australia get another fright from the Banglas, who post 250, but Michael Clarke is able to spare the baggy-green blushes. 

July 2 Lord’s: England (196-9) tie with -Australia (196 all out). Probably the best one-day final ever, with the initiative yo-yoing throughout. In the end, England need 10 to win off the final over from McGrath. They get nine, including two leg-byes off the final ball, to tie an ODI with Australia for only the second time. So after 17 days, 10 matches and a record 179 Bob Willis chunters, we still don’t have a -winner. And they wonder why Americans don’t get cricket.

July 4 David Fairclough, Ole Solskjaer … and Matt Prior? England add Prior to their squad for the NatWest Challenge, in which one-day -cricket’s new supersub/powerplay rules will be road-tested.

July 6 SPIN meets Graham Thorpe and finds England’s No 1 batter is almost horizontally relaxed as he faces the (undeserved) axe, in favour of KP. “I’ve got to the stage in life where if they pick me, they pick me; if they don’t they don’t,” he says. “I’m not going to have any regrets either way.”

July 7 Leeds: England 221-1 beat Australia (219-7) by nine wickets. The foreplay has been going on forever, passion is at an all-time high, both sides are ready to get down and dirty – but before the Ashes can start, the ECB coffers dictate that three NatWest Challenge games must be played. And despite Marcus Trescothick sweet-spotting an unbeaten 104 in an orgy of English runscoring, the  win feels curiously loveless. Vikram Solanki at least gets a notch on his bedpost: he becomes cricket’s first supersub.

July 10 Lord’s: Australia 224-3 beat England 
(223-8) by seven wickets. Five wickets for Brett Lee; a majestic century for the hitherto out-of-form Ricky Ponting (111); a crushing victory for Australia in the NatWest Challenge; ominous signs for England.

July 12 The Brit Oval: Australia (229-2) beat England (228-7) by eight wickets. Three wickets for Jason Gillespie; a majestic century for the hitherto out-of-form Adam Gilchrist (121 off 101 balls); a crushing victory for Australia in the NatWest Challenge decider; seriously ominous signs for England

July 13 As his battle for a Test place with Graham Thorpe goes down to the wire, Kevin Pietersen takes a long, hard look in the mirror. Looks again. Likes what he sees. “I think I have done enough. I just think I’ve ticked enough boxes.” The 100-Test box, KP? The 50-3 expert? The respectable haircut?

July 14 It’s Pietersen. “This has been the most difficult decision that I have been party to in my time as a selector,” says Grav, inexplicably forgetting the omission of Aftab Habib in 1999. “I’m delighted,” said Pietersen. “I’m the happiest boy in the UK this morning.” 

July 15 Any doubts that Brett Lee has bowled his way into the Test side after 18 months out are expelled when he shreds Leicestershire’s top order. Even Spraygun Gillespie is resigned to losing the new ball. “If Brett is in the Test side he would -probably have to open the bowling,” he shrugs. 

July 16 Australia’s morning coffee circle – Langer, Ponting, Martyn – get the baggy-green-and-gold blend just right at Leicestershire, roasting Leicestershire with a century apiece.

July 17 No Ashes tour game is complete without an bat blasting a double-hundred – but this time it’s against the Aussies: Chris Rogers’ 209 denies Buchanan’s boys a pre-Test victory. “A pretty disappointing day,” says Punter. Next stop, rocket science.

 July 18 The pre-Test chit-chat goes up a notch, as Matthew Hayden opens his mouth. “I don’t really care much for all this, ‘Are they [England] closer?’. I really believe that it’s all about us – if we are -executing our skills I don’t believe there’s a side that can get close to us.”

In other news, here’s Shane Warne. “Obviously this has been a difficult period of my life, but I’ve just got to deal with it and get on. I couldn’t give a rat’s **** what people think of me or say,” he said. “Everyone’s had an opinion, and I’ve loaded the bullets on a few occasions, but unfortunately we live in a society that’s pretty judgmental about what you do in your life.”

July 19 Good news on the injury front for -Australia: Jason Gillespie misses training with knee-knock. John Buchanan, adhering to the Australian principle that every sentence must begin with the word ‘look’, instead turns his attention to England’s new boy, KP. “Look, Pietersen is obviously integral in one-day cricket, but we’ve no doubt he’s a very poor starter and that gives us some areas to work with.”  

July 20 Matthew Hoggard makes perhaps the most insightful statement in English cricket since Tony Greig volunteered to make the West Indies grovel. “Australia are getting on a little bit. We’ve got back-to-back Test matches so it’ll be interesting to see if they can put in the consistent performances for 25 days. It’ll be interesting to see if they have the firepower to bowl us out twice.” Hoggy was slaughtered at the time but, given that McGrath (eventually) looked like he’d struggle to survive a game of Buckaroo without picking up a twinge, he had a point, didn’t he?

July 21 Lord’s First npower Test, Day 1: Australia 190 all out. England 92-7. At last it’s here! And it’s all going to be different this time! England pummel the Aussies from the off: Langer and Hayden are both hit and require treatment; Ponting likewise – he is cut on the cheek by a ball from Steve Harmison and later has to have plastic surgery on the wound. -Midway through the afternoon session, Australia are all out for 190. The Ashes are coming home. Then: a surreal post-tea session, in which Glenn McGrath shoves Hoggard’s “past-it” suggestion back down his throat. Five wickets for two runs in 31 balls – a spell of unfathomable majesty – turns England blue. They slump to 21-5 and close on 92-7. 

July 22 First npower Test, Day 2: England 155; Australia 279-7 (314 ahead). As Australia scoot out of sight, England fans go out of their minds. Wasn’t it supposed to be different this time? KP drops a match-losing catch off Michael Clarke, who goes on to make 91. But let’s not let such minutiae obscure a barnstorming debut-innings 57, folks. “I came in at 21 for farve, so I guess the whole 50-for-three question is still unanswered, eh?” he chuckles. On the other side of London, Graham Thorpe announces his retirement from Test -cricket. “My partner is having a baby in the next couple of weeks and I have decided that I want to concentrate on my family life,” he says. “I have enjoyed my time with England and have wished the team every success in this Ashes series.”

July 23 First npower Test, Day 3: Australia 384; England 156-5, chasing 420 to win. In a touching homage to Ashes campaigns past, England drop catches, bat like donkeys – Ian Bell’s strokeless thrust at a Warne slider is particularly evocative – and slouch around with all the body language of a teenager on a family holiday to Butlins.

July 24 First npower Test, Day 4. England 180 all out; Australia win by 239 runs. Same old England. Players and spectators wait around for over four hours of driving drizzle before play begins at 3.45. Have the Gods opened the door for England to save the game? Could KP nurse the tail for four sessions? Er, no. The last five wickets go down with just 24 more runs added. The last four batsmen score precisely 0 runs between them. McGrath, with match figures of 9-82, is man of the match as England lose by 239 runs. Off-field it’s same old England too, as the hacks sharpen their knives. Chalky Thorpe, meantime, suggests he was stabbed in the back by Graveney. Grav denies the allegation.

July 25 Panic stations ahoy! The media concur that England are spineless and in need of major surgery. Hoggy? Mentally weak. Bell? Lights out, son, it’s bedtime. Gilo? Couldn’t spin a top. Jonah? Couldn’t catch a cold in a brothel. Freddie? Just a slogger. So who should come in? Take your pick from any of the following, all of whom are namechecked: Owais Shah, Darren Gough, Andy Caddick, Mark Ramprakash, Rob Key, Matt Prior, Chris Read. And Vernon Kay.

July 28 Having been criticised for his non-contribution in the first Test – 11 runs, 11 overs, no wickets –  Ashley Giles, who did, lest we forget, contribute a stellar run-out, chucks his first wobbler. “It’s at times like that when you think, ‘If this is what people think, bugger them’. I am fighting a losing battle here,” added Giles. “But then the other part of you says, ‘Sod them, I’ll get on with it’.” Gilo’s war of words with the media continues for the next seven days.

July 30 Six balls are bowled in Australia’s tour game at Worcester. Justin Langer clouts one of them for four.

July 31 England name an unchanged squad for the second Test. In the tour match at Worcester, Australia’s pocket Gilchrist Brad Haddin blasts a pocket Gilchristian 94 off 96 balls. 

August 1 Paul Collingwood is added to England’s squad, and Kasper cranks up the heat on Dizzy Gillespie with a five-for at Worcester. Both men know the Australian XI ain’t big enough for the both of them. Unless Glenn McGrath knacks his ankle, of course. Meanwhile, one man who won’t be playing, Stuart MacGill, chucks in his tuppence-worth. “The Englishmen have way too many things going on between their ears,” he snorts.

It’s mainly steam between Gilo’s ears, as he goes ballistic in the papers again. “It’s as if people suspect that I have kidnapped England’s version of Shane Warne and kept him hidden in a cupboard under the stairs,” he rages. “Well, I’ve got news for everybody: there is no English Shane Warne and, if there was, he would not be locked up in the cupboard under my stairs.” That’s that cleared up, then.

August 2 In the pre-match nets at Edgbaston, Chris Tremlett goes all out to hustle his way into the final XI. He almost does so by default, badly bruising Michael Vaughan’s right elbow. Fears that Vaughan will miss the Test. An X-ray shows no fracture. 

August 3 And then there were 12: Paul Collingwood is released from the England squad after the fit-and-well Virgil returns. And Kevin Pietersen is awarded a central contract. 

August 4 Edgbaston, Second npower Test, Day 1: England 407 all out. The defining moment of the Ashes summer comes during a game of rugby: Glenn McGrath stands on a stray cricket ball, knacks his ankle and is out of the second Test. In his absence, England – put in by Ricky Ponting – blast 407 (including 10 sixes, five from a gloriously rejuvenated Freddie Flintoff, and two from the agenda-setting Marcus Trescothick). It’s the highest score Australia have conceded on the first day of a Test since 1938. 

 August 5 Second npower Test, Day 2: Australia 308 all out. England 25-1. Having spent the previous fortnight talking the talk, Ashley Giles walks the walk with three crucial wickets as England take control. England’s party is pooped slightly when Shane Warne produces his 17th Ball of the Century, bowling a bewildered Andrew Strauss round his legs with a ball that pitches miles outside off stump. 

August 6 Second npower Test, Day 3: England 182 all out. Australia 175-8, chasing 282

Possibly the greatest day of Test cricket … ever: there is Brett Lee’s adrenaline-fuelled early burst; Freddie’s scorching 73 (6×4, 4×6) that dragged England round from 75-6; Mark Nicholas’s “hello …. massive!” as the third six sailed out of the ground; Warner’s peerless, mischievous six-for; the over of Flintoff’s life, ripping Langer and Ponting out at a time when England were flagging and, off the final ball, a slower ball from Steve Harmison that crept off Michael Clarke’s off stump and straight into folklore. Australia close on 175-8 chasing 282. All of England starts counting chickens.

August 7 Second npower Test, Day 4: Australia 279 all out. A leisurely cruise to victory somehow turns into an impromptu breaststroke with Jaws. Brett Lee and Shane Warne progress serenely until Warne does a comedy Cruyff-turn on his off stump. With 62 needed, it’s all over, right? Wrong! Kasprowicz plays outstandingly, while Lee withstands a bumper barrage from Freddie and Harmy, but one last strain of chin music from Harmison undoes Kasprowicz, who is caught down the leg side by Geraint Jones. Replays suggest Kasper’s glove was not actually on the bat when the ball hit it. Ah, well. It’s 1-1!

 August 8 Panic stations for Australianow : three days before the start of the next, back-to-back Test at Old Trafford, Brett Lee is admitted to a Birmingham hospital with a swollen knee and put on an intravenous drip. McGrath is still doubtful. 

 August 9 The Oz selectors send for New South Wales quick Stuart Clark, playing for Middlesex as cover for McGrath and Lee. 

August 10 Brett Lee drags himself away from being pampered by nurses to hotfoot it to Old Trafford, where he is declared fit for the third Test. The jury remains out on Glenn McGrath.

August 11 Third npower Test, Day 1: England 341-5. The jury of one – Glenn McGrath – pass Glenn McGrath fit, but he goes wicketless as England, riding some Feltz-sized luck at times, maraud to 341-5. Vaughan’s dreamy 166 is the highlight, on the pitch at least. In the gantry, Geoff Boycott wages a one-man war against a) neutrality and b) the rest of the commentary team. You can hear him roaring England on from the back of the box even when he’s not on the mike. He’s not much more restrained when he is. Take this: when Pigeon bowls Virgil with a no-ball, the ball after having him dropped…


Boycott: No-ball! Bad luuuuuck! Bad luck you Aussies! Couldn’t happen to a nicer people!

Slats: [drily, with just a tantalising hint of if-you-say-that-again-I'll-cave-that-contented-face-of-yours-in-Boycs] Settle down, Boycs.

August 12 Third npower Test, Day 2: England 444 all out. Australia 214-7. Australia get that Friday feeling for the second successive Test, largely thanks to Gilo, who picks up Langer, Hayden and Martyn. His ball of the century to Martyn – pitching outside leg, hitting the top of off – is the cherry to the icing of some increasingly unplayable reverse swing from Jones and Flintoff. These Aussies can’t handle the moving ball!

August 13 Third npower Test, Day 3. Australia 264-7, 180 behind. Rain. In Manchester. Loads of it. Who’d have thought? Only 14 overs are bowled, in which time Shane Warne cuffs and carves his way from 45* to 78*. Could he finally get that maiden Test ton?

August 14 Third npower Test, Day 4: Australia 302 all out & 24-0 (chasing 423). England 280-6dec.

No, he couldn’t. Warner falls 10 short of his 
maiden Test century; more troublingly still, his demise brings widespread sympathy among England fans. What’s going on?  

August 15 Third npower Test, Day 5: Australia 371-9. Depending on which red-top you read, 800/20,000/7,000,000 people are locked out of Old Trafford as the Test reaches another unbelievable climax. The last-wicket pair of Brett Lee and Glenn McGrath survive the last 24 balls to secure an epic draw, but Ricky Ponting is the real hero with a 411-minute 156, getting out with four overs left. McGrath, still to be dismissed in the series and averaging 23 from his last 10 Tests, is unusually cock-a-hoop. “When I came off I actually asked the rest of the boys what it’s like to get out in this series,” he chuckles. He actually would have done as well, wouldn’t he?

August 16 McGrath puts a novel spin on being comprehensively outplayed. “England must be wondering what they have to do to beat these guys,” he says. Bowl a short one at Kasper with three needed to win, maybe?

August 18 Cricket returns to BBC television after six years; and sod’s law returns to cricket. In Scotland’s biggest match for ages/ever, and the first non-World Cup match ever televised by BBC Scotland, the planned one-dayer against the Aussies is washed out by rain. 

August 20 Trademark assault-and-battery from Hayden, who continues his ruthless 
tour-match form with 136 against Northants.

August 21 Spud Tait bowls his way into the Test side, at Northampton. Graham Thorpe, the ghost at the feast, announces his retirement from first-class cricket at the end of the season.

August 23 Glenn McGrath experiences 
discomfort in his right elbow. England and 
Australia supporters start praying, simultaneously.

August 24 Upon announcing that Shaun 
Tait will make his Test debut at Trent Bridge, Ricky Ponting pays fulsome tribute to his new weapon: “He might not have the best control in the world…” The same could never be said of Shane Warne’s mouth, which is sensibly engaged once again in a war of words with… the groundsman? It begins when Steve Birks says of his baby: “There shouldn’t be anything in it for that spinner of theirs until the fifth day.” As ever, Warner has the final word. “The wicket looks pretty good, contrary to what the groundsman wants to try and say,” he says. “He should just worry about getting a good wicket up. He should keep his mouth quiet, that’s what he should do.”

 August 25 Trent Bridge, Fourth npower Test, Day 1: England 229-4. Nip/Tuck, with Strauss and Tresco putting on 105 for the first wicket in 99 minutes, after Vaughan wins the toss (again). On a rain-affected day, England fail to build on that start. Very-part-time bowler Ricky Ponting brings himself on – and promptly suckers Vaughan with his gentle swingers. 

August 26 Trent Bridge, Fourth npower Test, Day 2: England 477; Australia 99-5. England’s little and large tell everyone’s favourite gag about the sixth-wicket partnership that took the initiative away from Australia: Flintoff (a sublime 102) and Jones (85) give England the upper-hand; with the ball swinging and the umpires’ fingers triggering, England leave Australia in tatters by the close, with three wickets for Hoggard. After a day of incessant dominance, England fans dare to dream for the first time.

August 27 Trent Bridge, Fourth npower Test, Day 3: Australia 218 all out and (following on) 222-4. The Aussies are rattled by: 1) being made to follow on in a Test for the first time since 1988, 2) some dodgy umpiring and 3) England’s apparently endless stream of sub fielders. When one of them, Gary Pratt, runs Ricky Ponting out brilliantly, Punter goes ballistic, launching the hairdryer on the umpires, Hoggard and Giles and then, most comically of all, Duncan Fletcher on the balcony, who reputedly replies with a simple wave. “If you want to take a run to the cover fielder and get run out, whose fault is that?” asks Fletcher later, stirring the pot nicely. Ponting is subsequently fined 75 per cent of his match fee, and Simon Katich loses 50 per cent for his Henmanesque reaction to an admittedly shocking lbw decision.

August 28 Trent Bridge, Fourth npower Test, Day 4: Australia 387 all out; England 129-7. Another quiet finish to a Test match, as England bowl Australia out then knock off the required runs for the loss of only two wickets. No, we didn’t expect that to happen either. England’s victory march proceeds with all the cool assurance of a blindfolded wino doing the egg-and-spoon race but, despite some spellbinding work from Warne and Lee, Hoggard and Giles sneak them home with three wickets left. England are 2-1 up with one to play.

August 29 Another day, another holler. “I’ve had enough of it,” says Punter Ponting. Not looking like George Bush, but England’s (ab)use of the substitute-fielder legislation. “I think it is an absolute disgrace the spirit of the game is being treated like that,” he says. “Fletcher has known right the way through the summer this is something we haven’t been happy with, but it’s continued. He knows it’s something that has got under our skins and I’ve had enough of it, and I let him know that, and most of his players too.” Glenn McGrath joins the debate, but interestingly the names of Australian alumni Peter Cantrell (unbelievably good gully fielder who took two rippers in the gully as sub fielder at Brisbane in 1990) and Dennis Lillee (the man who started the trend for toddling off at the end of a bowling spell in 1981) are not mentioned. How do you like your grapes, Mr Ponting?

August 30 Channel 4 announce record 
viewing figures of 8.4m for the Trent Bridge denouement – that’s around 8m more than will be watching next year’s Tests…

September 1 Michael Vaughan defends England in Prattgate, simultaneously demonstrating the insight that has taken England to the top of the tree. “If a player needs the toilet, he has to go to the toilet. We are quite an honest team.” Quite.

September 3 Australia concede 500 runs in a day! Against Essex! And John Buchanan says they bowled well!

September 4 With Simon Jones a doubt for the final Test, England cover all bases by including Paul Collingwood and Jimmy Anderson in  a squad of 13. Chris Tremlett, 12th man all series, doesn’t make the 13. Graveney says: “His involvement with the Test squad has meant limited opportunities for him with Hampshire in recent weeks and as a consequence we feel that he is not at the top of his game at present.” Pick the logic out of that. But what of Pidge McGrath? “It’s back to business as usual for the fifth Test,” he chortles in his newspaper column. “I’ve made a full recovery and will definitely play at The Oval.” Or has he? Physio Errol Alcott preaches caution.

September 5 Australia call up Stuart Clark as cover for McGrath once again. Warner appears on Graham Norton’s TV chat show, alongside Jerry Hall and Ruby Wax.

 September 6 Simon Jones undergoes a make-or-break fitness test. “The medical people are very happy. He’s been a good boy,” says bowling coach Troy Cooley, dishing out the good-behaviour lollipops. Sadly the only thing Jones gets to suck on is disappointment: he is ruled out, and all eyes turn to Paul Collingwood and James Anderson. Had Jones stayed fit, England would have fielded the same 11 in an Ashes series for the first time since 1884-85. Even so, this summer is in stark contrast to England’s last four home Ashes campaigns, in which they fielded 29, 24, 18 and 19 players respectively. 

September 7 He’s back. Glenn Donald McGrath will play in the final Test at The Brit Oval. Ricky Ponting gets his excuses in early. “I would hate to think if we lost this series it is only my fault,” he says, fixing his gaze chillingly on Dizzy and Haydos.

September 8 Brit Oval, Fifth npower Test, Day 1: England 319-7. It emerges that the ECB has provisionally booked Trafalgar Square for a victory parade next Tuesday. Vaughan wins the toss to a massive ovation, bats and sees Strauss and Trescothick race out of the traps, putting on 82 in even time. Only Shane Warne stands between England and the Ashes: he takes three wickets before lunch, bowls 34 overs out of 88 in the day and ends with a five-fer. Strauss ends with 129, his seventh ton in 19 Tests, but England’s total feels under par. All eyes turn to John Kettley. Can the weather save them?

September 9 Brit Oval, Fifth npower Test, Day 2: England 373; Australia 112-0. Langer and 
Hayden do what everyone has expected them to do all series – score runs. Lots of runs. But then they do what nobody ever expects an Australian to do: back down. They troop off when the light is offered after tea, gambling on the weekend weather. 

September 10 Brit Oval, Fifth npower Test, Day 3: Australia 277-2. Another frustrating day. For the Aussies. Rain and bad light reduce their progress. English fans spend the day 1) praying for even more rain. 2) preparing for an inevitable last day struggle against Warner.  

September 11 Brit Oval, Fifth npower Test, Day 4: Australia 367; England 34-1. England nervous? Fred’s not. He bowls 18 overs unchanged – 18 overs! At 90mph! – and takes 5-38 in front of a pumped-up Oval crowd. Australia lose their last seven wickets for 45 runs. When England bat Shane Warne takes just four balls to get a wicket: Andrew Strauss. 

September 12 Brit Oval, Fifth npower Test, Day 4: England 335; Australia 4-0. With the 
country at a standstill, the greatest series ever gets its fairytale ending: England regain the Ashes for the first time since 1989. After McGrath and Warne put England through the wringer one last time, Kevin Pietersen – dropped three times, including a dolly to Warne – blasts an unbelievable 158 with an Ashes-record seven sixes. It is a beginning, and also an ending: McGrath and Warne, the champions’ champions, say farewell to Test cricket in England. And so does Richie Benaud. 

September 13 101 days since the Aussies landed with the Ashes, they return home without them. England, pie-eyed after what can safely be called a ‘late one’, tour London in an open-top bus on the way to meeting Her Maj and the PM. What a day! What a team! What a series! What a summer!