Yes! No! Wait! Sorry!

From SPIN, February 2008

40 The colour blind ump
Pakistan versus South Africa one-dayer, October 1994: Saffer Dave Richardson narrowly makes his ground in a run-out attempt but is dismayed to see the third umpire’s red light come on. The decision had been sent upstairs to third ump Atiq Khan. Having studied all the angles, he felt satisfied that Richardson was in. But, unfortunately for all concerned, Khan was colour blind. He thought he was pressing the green button… Still, the PCB clearly felt it safer to have Khan in the third umpire’s booth pressing the wrong buttons than doing the same in his day job, working in a nuclear bunker in Islamabad.

39 Wide! or, maybe, bowled
Umpiring an ODI between India and Zimbabwe in 2002, umpire Daryl Harper signalled a wide only to be told by the square-leg umpire that, actually, the bail had been dislodged and that Yuvraj Singh had been bowled. Cue Harper swiftly changing his mind and Yuvraj being given the finger.

38 New Zealand rope trick

Playing for New Zealand in the first Test of 1973/74 against Australia, David O’Sullivan chased after a ball going towards the boundary. With a spectacular full-length dive, he prevented the ball crossing the rope. By the time he had picked himself, and the ball, up the batsmen were on their fifth run.

37 The ball that cost 286 runs
The first ball of an 1893/94 match between Western Australia and Victoria was hit into the branches of a jarrah tree, just inside the field of play. The ball was out of reach, and so the home side appealed for lost ball. The umpires disagreed: the ball wasn’t lost as everyone could see exactly where it was.
The batsmen carried on running while the home side tried to find an axe to cut down the tree. They couldn’t find an axe but found a shotgun and tried to blast the ball from the tree. After several misses, the ball was finally dislodged and fell onto the outfield. No-one thought to catch it. The batsmen claimed the 286 runs they had run, the home side declared their one-ball innings and went on to win the match. Brilliant.

36 The drop that cost 483 runs
Brian Lara’s world record 501 not out for Warwickshire against Durham in 1994 was his seventh ton in eight innings – but he had been dropped by wicket-keeper Chris Scott when he had scored just 18. “I suppose he’ll get a hundred now,” Scott reportedly said after he grassed the ball.

35 Pinch-hitting slow-coach
In the World Cup against England in 1999 Zimbabwe skipper Alistair Campbell promoted Paul Strang to No 3 to pinch hit. Strang failed to score off his first 16 balls, and was caught by Graeme Hick 
off his 17th.

34 No ball. Literally. 

Twenty-two players? Check. Six stumps, four bails? Check. Bat, pads, ball? Ball? Anyone got the ball? A pretty important part of the game was overlooked for the second Test between Pakistan and New Zealand at Rawalpindi in November 1996. No ball. Play was held up for 20 minutes as hapless officials dashed to the local sports shop to buy one.


33 Pot, kettle, 
WG Grace…
Over his career, WG Grace developed a fixation, becoming convinced that rivals were cheating by using bats that were too wide. When Percy McDonnell made 62 for the Australians against his Gloucestershire side in 1884, WG kicked up a fuss and demanded that PMcD’s bat be measured. It was duly found to be marginally too wide. In retaliation, the Australians demanded that WG’s bat be measured. And that was too broad as well.

32 Blowers goes to dinner
At Chelmsford in May 1983, Surrey turned the clock back 100 years, registering the lowest total in first-class cricket since 1907. Having dismissed Essex for 287 shortly after tea on the second day (the first having been washed out), they went out to bat and, within 15 overs, were skittled for 14. At one stage they were 8/8. Surrey’s disaster caught out press box veteran Henry Blofeld, who left early, believing the day’s main business to be over. He filed his report asking sub-editors to fill in the gaps: “Surrey closed on XX for X”. Calling the office after a splendid dinner, he was told that the gaps were ‘14’ and ‘10’.
Surrey, following on, made 185/2 and saved the game…

31 Sorry, boys. Miles away

In the England-New Zealand Test of 1962/63, Kiwi spinner John Sparling’s sixth over lasted for 11 balls before the umpire, Dick Shortt noticed. Unsure what to do, the umpire ordered him to start the over again.

30 Neglecting the in-tray
George Gunn went 17 years and 316 days between his 11th cap in 1912 and 12th cap in 1930. He had been invited to play for England in the meantime, but put the selectors’ letter in his pocket unopened, and then forgot all about it. The selectors, not having a reply, felt they were being snubbed and had picked another player instead.

29 Spud starts ‘slowly’
Durham’s signing of 21-year-old Aussie speedster Shaun Tait in 2004 will go down as possibly the worst overseas signing ever. Tait played two games and managed 18 wicketless, no-ball-packed overs that went for 176, before being benched and having his contract cancelled. He promptly went back to Oz and stormed 61 wickets at 20 each to blitz his way into the Test side.

28 Umpire lies in
Umpire Dave Orchard failed to turn up for the start of the ODI between England and Sri Lanka on July 7, 2002 as he had wrongly thought it was a day-night match.

27 Making Curtly really mad
The 1993 World Series final: Aussie larrikin Dean Jones has spotted that Windies’ non-larrikin pacer Curtly Ambrose wears red wristbands in Tests and white ones in ODIs, making it hard to focus on the ball as he runs in, arms and wrists pumping. Deano has the genius idea of getting the umpires to ask Ambrose to take his wrist-bands off. Unsettle him a bit. It didn’t work. “I was mad, really mad,” recalled Ambrose. “But, as I told them, you should never wake a sleeping lion. It was just a one-off situation, but it was a warning to batsmen all over the world. What Dean Jones did was a bad mistake, which backfired. I blew them away.”
Ambrose stormed back to his mark and picked up 5/32. “He didn’t say too much,” recalled Deano. “But the three balls after that, jeez – were they quick?! He didn’t get me out, though. He got five others out, but he didn’t get me out…”

26 The doomed declaration
In 1967/68, the West Indies were hot favourites to beat England at home. But, frustrated by three stalemates in the first three Tests of the series, skipper Garry Sobers made one of the most attacking declarations of all time. In an attempt to conjure a victory, he set England 215 to win in 165 minutes, despite the fact he was without his leading fast bowler Charlie Griffith, who was injured.
Sobers did conjure up a result; but the wrong one. England stepped up the pace from their sluggish first innings two-a-over and, with Geoff Boycott and Colin Cowdrey to the fore, won with three minutes remaining. It was only the fourth time in Tests that a side batting last had won after a second-innings declaration.

25 Inked into history
Some time after his 1993 debut, Michael Slater decided to commemorate his Australian Test number with a tattoo on his ankle and customised number plates for his Ferrari. Sadly for Slats though, he wasn’t – as he thought – the 356th person to play for Australia; Brendon Julian was. Both players made their debut in the same match and Slater, assuming the numbering was allocated on batting order, duly got the “MS 356” plates. It didn’t go on batting order though. It was alphabetical. The Australian Cricket Board tried sparing Slater’s blushes by swapping his and Julian’s number due to what they termed “fairly exceptional circumstances”.

24 A plague of no-balls
June 4, 2001, England v Pakistan at Old Trafford, fifth day. From the start, legendarily superstitious ump David Shepherd had been concerned that his fellow umpire Ernie Nicholls has been given room 111 at the hotel; later, on the field he failed to spot when the score was 333 and so could not do his good luck jig.
But come the fifth afternoon, the game looked to be headed for a tame draw. So it didn’t matter that the umpires’ walkie talkies had packed in, and so they would be out of contact with the third umpire for the final session. England needed to bat out for a draw against Pakistan to win a fifth consecutive series for the first time in 30 years. They were 196/2, with only 32 overs to go.
Then the wickets started to tumble. Wasim Akram rapped Nick Knight on the pad with a no-ball, and Nicholls gave it lbw. Saqlain Mushtaq, bowling from Shepherd’s end, dismissed Ian Ward caught behind cutting, and Andrew Caddick, bowled by his doosra, off successive deliveries – both no-balls, both not called. Then with seven overs and two wickets left, Saqlain won an lbw against Dominic Cork – again from a no ball. The fall of last man Darren Gough gave Pakistan a surprising victory, thanks to four wickets from uncalled no-balls. Shepherd was so upset that friends had to talk him out of retiring from the game.

23 The slack carpenter
South Africa beat Pakistan in the deciding third Test of their 1997/98 series by 52 runs in part due to a hard-hitting 81 from No 9 Pat Symcox, who had come in with the score at 98/7. Luck was on Symcox’s side – thanks to an errant carpenter. Early in his innings, a googly from Mushtaq Ahmed beat the bat and passed between off and middle stumps, without dislodging the bail – the bail was later found to have been badly cut.

22 Jamaican minefield
“We’ve had a few problems,” said the groundsman at Sabina Park, where England were due to play the West Indies in 1998. Namely, they’d prepared a pitch that looked a lot like a corrugated iron roof. Jamaican officials had decided a year earlier to relay the whole square as it had become slow and did not favour the homegrown quicks. But work had only begin six months before the Test started and there was no time for the soil to bed down.
In the first hour of play the England physio had to run on six times to attend to batsmen who had been badly hit. After only the third over had been bowled umpire Venkat was on the walkie talkie to the match referee about his reservations in continuing the match. After 61 balls the match was abandoned as the pitch was just too dangerous.

21 Boycs, genius of reverse PR
Geoff Boycott had not played for England since 1974, missing 30 matches for reasons never fully explained. Finally, at Trent Bridge in the 1977 Ashes, Boycs returned to really show the England faithful what they had been missing. He took three hours to reach 20 and went on to hit a seven-hour century in the first innings (and a five-hour 80 in the second), but not before he had run out local hero Derek Randall, after calling him for an ambitious single.
“If the ground had opened and swallowed me at that moment, it would have been a mercy,” wrote Boycs later. “I was distraught…there was a hollow, dismayed silence.” In the circumstances, Boycott declared his subsequent ton as his finest innings.

20 We’ve won! We’ve lost!
Pakistan’s Abdul Qadir won an ODI against India in 1986/87 – and then immediately lost it. In the third ODI he then took a single to level the scores, than turned back for a second. Had he stayed put after the single, Pakistan would have won, under one of the obscure rules of the competition – when scores were tied and both sides had lost the same number of wickets, it was the team with the highest score after 25 overs who took the win. As the scores and wickets were now level, Pakistan had won under this ruling. Or would have, had not Abdul hared back for another, unnecessary, run and got himself run out.

19 The Don ‘must do better’
Australia gave a debut to a young batsman in the first Test of the 1928/29 series only to see him make just 18 and 1 in his two innings and dropped him for the next test. One of his team-mates, Charles Kelleway, remarked that he clearly “was not up to Test standard”. The batsmen’s name was Donald Bradman. When he retired 19 years later, he had an average of 99.94. Kelleway was also dropped after the first Test of the series – and never played again.

18 Nothing to sing about
The 1999 World Cup was the fourth to be held in England, and an embarrassment for the hosts. The administrative genius behind it was neatly summed up by the fact that the official song for the tournament – “All Over The World” by pub-rock royalty Dave Stewart – contained no reference to cricket and was released 16 days into the 37-day tournament – and, as it transpired, on the day after the hosts had been knocked out. Twenty-four hours later, the two largest record stores in London reported that no-one had yet bought a copy.

17 Brearley’s tactical flop
Tactical whizz Mike Brearley may have inspired the ’81 Ashes win – but in (arguably) the biggest match of his career, the 1979 World Cup Final, he had got it badly wrong.
First was the selection: England went in with only four main bowlers against the brutal West Indies batting line-up. Between them, part-time bowlers Geoff Boycott (sending down his trundlers while still wearing his cap), Graham Gooch and hapless medium-pacer Wayne Larkins went for 86 runs in their 12 overs. Having conceded 286 off 60 overs – a mammoth score in those days – Brearley then opened the innings with Boycott, both batters who made Rahul Dravid look like Adam Gilchrist. At tea, England were 79/0 off 25 overs. After 38 overs, England still hadn’t lost a wicket – but at 129/0, the required rate was up to seven an over. Boycott’s 57 included just three fours and the rest of the batting was left with no chance. The last eight batters – needing to climb a mountain while facing 6 ft 8 yorker machine Joel Garner – fell for just 11 runs.

15 Ashes lost. Forever

What are the Ashes made of – a bail, a stump, a veil? Or just the miscellaneous remnants of Lord Darnley’s fireplace? Yup, that’s right. When a group of Melbourne women, as a joke, presented the Hon Ivo Bligh with the Ashes, he took them back to England, and they moved with him to his family’s ancestral pile, Cobham Hall, in Kent, on his succession to the peerage as Lord Darnley. One 
day a housemaid knocked over “that vase thing which stands on his Lordship‘s mantelpiece” as she later told the butler, and seeing it full of old ash, gave it a good clean out before replacing it on the mantelpiece.

14 Major case of mistaken ID
The 33-year-old Major Nigel Bennett had never played first-class cricket when he got the call to be Surrey captain in 1946. He played a full season as skipper, averaged 16 going in at No 8 and took a solitary wicket, as Surrey finished in 11th spot – the lowest finish in their history. Bennett retired from the game.
Why the obscure appointment? The Surrey committee got their wires crossed and appointed completely the wrong man. While they were looking to appoint Major Leo Bennett, another amateur with no first-class experience but a sound reputation as a captain in 
club cricket, his near-namesake came into the Oval to either a) renew his membership or b) ask about the possibilities of playing some second XI games (versions vary) and wound up captaining the side for a season, despite on- and off-field murmurs of disapproval from his senior professionals.

13 Keeper closes parliament
When West Indies’ Basil Butcher was caught down the leg side by England wicket-keeper Jim Parks in the second Test of the 1967-68 series, he shook his head in his disappointment at his error. Some of the West Indian crowd perceived this as criticism of the decision, and started hurling bottles onto the outfield.
West Indies’ captain Garry Sobers went to the crowd and explained that Butcher had been correctly given out, and the crowd began to simmer down. Then the police decided to unleash tear gas upon them. However they had overlooked the wind direction, which took the gas away from the rioters and into the pavilion instead where the players were. The blundering police force had caused a political incident in more ways than one – the gas also drifted out of the ground into the Jamaican parliament building, where the sitting had to be suspended.

12 Briefing encounter
Before the one-day international between New Zealand and Australia at Wellington in 1999/2000 Australian coach John Buchanan slipped the game plan for the match under the hotel doors of his team. Unfortunately he had got the room numbers mixed up.
The plans, which claimed New Zealand captain Stephen Fleming was “a bit lazy early on”, Chris Cairns “fragile” and “lacks confidence” and Craig McMillan “prone to silly mistakes, were distributed to hotel guests, who passed them straight to a local radio station, 91ZM. Thousands of copies were then handed out to New Zealand fans at the game.
It was only, Steve Waugh 
later recalled, “the first of 
Buck’s many missing team notes sagas” – none of them, according to Waugh, in any 
way deliberate.


11 Anyone for… incompetence?
David Gower’s record as England skipper against the Windies – 10 defeats out of 10 – was, to be fair, poor. But if he’d played his cards right, it might only have been nine out of ten. One match England should not have lost in their home ‘blackwash’ in 1984 was the one at Lord’s. England threw away a dominant position – which they were never to reclaim – on the fourth evening when they went off for bad light. The decision whether to take an offer for bad light is the batting captain’s. But Allan Lamb, who made the decision, had no option – Gower was not on the balcony to signal his instructions. He was inside the dressing-room. Watching the tennis from Wimbledon on television.

10 Very hot tickets
New Year’s Day, 1967 and the second day of the Calcutta Test between India and West Indies had to be abandoned after the authorities had sold more tickets than there were seats. Some of those denied access, despite having bought tickets stormed the ground, set fire to several stands. Which did nothing to solve the central problem…

9 Punter puts England in 

Ricky Ponting did not want to go down in history as the captain who lost the Aussies’ stranglehold over the old foe. And the night before the second Test of the 2005 series, with Australia already one thrashing up, he would have slept pretty soundly. And then… Glenn McGrath crocked himself in the pre-match warm-up by treading on a ball.
Even without his No 1 fast bowler, Punter looked at the Edgbaston pitch and thought it had demons in it for England’s frail batters. England feasted on the weakened Aussie attack, hitting 407 runs in the day, with Trescothick’s even-time 90 firing them – eventually – towards one of the most famous match and series victories in cricket history.

8 Very sorry. Got to go
The final Test of the South Africa-England series of 1938/39 was to be timeless, thus guaranteeing a result. Except it didn’t. It began in Durban on March 3. Eleven days later, on the second Tuesday of the match, it was abandoned as a draw after 43 hours and 16 minutes’ play, as England had to catch their boat home. (England left two days to make the 1,000-mile trip to Cape Town for the Friday sailing.) Chasing 696 to win (from, as it turned out, 218 overs), they were, frustratingly, 654/5 when the rain came and time ran out.

7 Specialist batter at No 10
The biggest selectorial blunder has to go to the Australian selectors who picked Tasmanian Ken Burn as the second wicket-keeper for the tour to England in 1890. On the face of it, it might seem a sound selection as Burn had never had a bad match behind the stumps. Ever. But that was because he had never kept wicket. Ever. The selectors had confused him with Tasmanian ‘keeper John Burn. Something they only realised on the boat which was taking the touring party to England. Australia played him as a specialist batter – but made him go in at No 10.

6 Harmy’s first ball in 2006
Brisbane, November 23 2006: the most hyped Test series of all time finally kicks off. Although Matthew Hoggard has taken the first over in England’s last 10 Test matches (and Steve Harmison has not bowled a ball in anger since his nightmare at the Champions Trophy), skipper Andrew Flintoff throws the ball to Harmison. Harmison charges up and bowls the ball straight back to the skipper, by now standing at second slip. It’s possibly the widest wide in Ashes history. “My body was taken over by nerves and tension. I clammed up. The ball felt big, like something that didn’t want to come out of my hand…” Harmison later told SPIN.

5 Mo Sami’s 17-ball over
The nadir for permanently ‘promising’ Pakistan pacer Mohammad Sami came at Colombo in a 2004 Asia Cup game against Bangladesh. The curtain-haired speedster took 17 balls to complete his over – the longest in international cricket history – as he put down seven wides and four no-balls before retiring sheepishly to the boundary. “I’ve told him to get away from the game and go on a holiday,” said Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer afterwards.

4 Warner delays retirement
Only seven men in Test history had taken more catches than Shane Warne. But with England looking nervy and KP new at the wicket on the last day of the 2005 Ashes as the Oval, KP drove at an over-pitched ball from Brett Lee, the ball flew fast and hard towards Warne’s face at slip and, looking much like Miss Marple besieged by a swarm of wasps, he grassed it. Warner had dropped the Ashes. Meaning, he later admitted, he had to play on for another 18 months to avoid retiring on a low. Do the two pals ever talk about that dropped catch, Warner was asked later, “No, we try not to,” he said.

3 Saffers farce the world cup
World Cup semi-final, 1999, Australia v South Africa. South Africa’s last pair came together with 16 runs needed to reach the final. The next four balls faced by Lance Klusener go 6-1-4-4. Now, the scores are level and the Saffers need just a single off the last four balls – and Klusener is on fire. Everyone’s enjoying watching him. Especially Allan Donald, the No 11, who has yet to face a ball. On the third ball of the last over, he backs up halfway down the wicket and, scrambling back, is nearly run out.
Then, with one to win off three, panic: Klusener miscues a shot up towards mid-off and charges up to the non-striker’s end. Donald, oblivious, stands at the non-striker’s end, watching the ball bobble past him.
Eventually, after taking time to drop his bat, Donald begins the run to the other end, but is run out by half a pitch. In a game that would go down as the then-greatest ODI in history, South Africa have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

2 Saffers farce it again.
South Africa s needed to win their last group match in the 2003 World Cup, against Sri Lanka, to progress to the Super Six stage. Going out of the tournament, in their home World Cup. With the farcical exits of 1992 and 1999 already burned in the collective memory, was not an option.
Stakes were high. But ability to read Duckworth-Lewis tables was low. With increasingly heavy rain falling towards the end of their innings, it was clear Mr D and Mr L’s tables were going to decide their fate. The charts stating that the total after 45 overs should be 229; so, when Mark Boucher hit the penultimate ball of the 45th over for six to bring the score to 229, he punched the air in celebration, played out the final ball of the over and left the field in triumph when the umpires called off play.
But the South Africans had got it wrong. The 229 was only enough to equal the Sri Lankan score. So the game was a tie. And South Africa were knocked out of their own World Cup. Shaun Pollock lost the captaincy. Ignominy ensued.

1
Gold award: England in India 
1992-1993 – a catalogue of errors
It started with an unprecedented vote of no-confidence in the selectors and ended with a 3-0 defeat to a team that had won just one game in its previous 25. In between: selections and tactics that redefined ‘maverick’ and bouts of food poisoning. Apart from that: clockwork.
It was the MCC membership that held the vote of no confidence in the selectors after debate over the make-up of the tour party reached fever pitch. The main source of ire was the omission of England’s best wicket-keeper Jack Russell (in favour of Richard Blakey) and David Gower.
Keith Fletcher, England’s coach, said Gower was too old, a statement which invited (and received) ridicule as Gower, at 35, was the same age as Mike Gatting, who was in touring party, and much younger than the captain Graham Gooch (39) and John Emburey (40).
England’s preparations were equally misguided. Fletcher went to Jo’burg on a scouting mission to watch India, and publicly announced of Anil Kumble: “I didn’t see him turn a single ball. I don’t think we will have much problem with him,” (Kumble was to be India’s leading wicket-taker in the series with England, his wickets coming at 19.8 runs apiece).
England prepared for the turning Indian wickets by playing on special “spinmats” at Lilleshall. These took spin, duplicating conditions in India, but also had pace and bounce, which Indian wickets did not. Thus England’s intensive net preparation was in fact a hindrance when they came to play on the slow, low Indian tracks. The batsmen struggled. The spinners, too, had got used to bowling too short.
The tour selectors – Gooch, Stewart, Gatting and Fletcher – then selected an amazing XI for the first Test. Faced with a bare, dry pitch, they decided the conditions would favour seam bowlers. While the home side had selected three spinners, England picked four seamers, plus leg-spinner Ian Salisbury, who had not even been a member of the original touring party, but was in India as a net bowler. First-choice spinners Emburey and Tufnell were left out.
India forced England to follow on and ran out winners by eight wickets. England’s misreading of the pitch was shown by the fact that occasional off-spinner Graeme Hick was their most successful bowler with 5/28 in the match.
On the eve of the second Test, Gooch and Gatting ate prawns in a restaurant, and both went down with food poisoning, Gooch missing the match and Gatting having to leave the field during it. Alec Stewart took over the captaincy and was reluctant to keep wicket as well so Blakey came in, and middle-order batter Robin Smith took over Gooch’s opening position, at the expense of experienced opener Mike Atherton. England were forced to follow on again and lost by an innings and 22.
Blakey was retained even when Gooch came back for the Third Test. England also dropped their best bowler – Paul Jarvis – for Phil DeFreitas, who had not taken, and indeed was not to take, a wicket all tour. (The selectors explained they knew DeFreitas was not bowling as well as Jarvis, but felt they had to shake up the attack.)
Despite Hick’s 178, England lost by an innings and 15. They were the first side to lose every Test in a series in India.