England’s flop and the ‘madcap’ ‘return’ of Harsha Bhogle

Gordon Bennett. Reasons to be Miserable part 38. Not only is Harsha Bhogle back Back BACK on English airwaves for the first time since the grim debacle of his hosting the 2007 ICC Awards – an event I watched from behind my sofa with a cardboard box over my head - but Colly’s brave T20 specialists look like exiting their own party asap.

At least the dread Donna Symonds - the nadir of the last tournament, where all competing nations contributed their own commentators to a gantry United Nations of mediocrity - hasn’t appeared yet.

You remember her highlight? Bumble Lloyd trying to whip things up by saying he was on the edge of his seat; Symonds saying, deadpan and without irony: ‘I’m not’.

Cheers.

Anyway. England.

The weather forecast for Sunday is rain. All day. So England might not even get the chance to play their must-win game with Pakistan, set for 5.30 local time. Which would mean that, with one no-result and one humiliation, the only thing that could save them would be the Dutch turning over Younis Khan and co in the in final group game, at Lord’s on Tuesday.

Stranger things have happened, I guess.

Here’s the thing: England probably should have had Graham Napier or Dimitri Mascarenhas in the side to blast some quick runs in the last overs – but then Rob Key only faced eight balls and hit ten runs from them. 160 should have been enough. They fielded badly, Holland played brilliantly.

Sure, Stuart Broad missed four chances to take a wicket - three run outs and a catch - in that last over. But the game was lost long before that. When you’re down to defending seven off six against Holland, you’ve already lost the plot. No use blaming Broad. Netherlands played very very well, batting with a real fearlessness and a good deal of clean-hitting skill.

People have forgotten that sport is all about one team playing another. It’s 50-50. Anyone can win. I blame the Premiership: if Man Utd or Chelsea or Liverpool drop a point, it’s a massive deal these days. The notion that the result of a game is entirely, excitingly unpredictable has been totally forgotten.

Surprises happen in sport all the time; minnows play out of their skins; big teams get it wrong. Pundits are always surprised. Idiots.

Too many pundits are acting outraged, as if Netherlands had no right to beat England. Get over it. It was exciting. It got cricket on the front pages. Maybe it was a good thing rather than England grinding out an underwhelming victory.

Should we have even been mildly surprised? This defeat was like a carbon copy of most of England’s defeats in the first ICC World Twenty20 - they are a side that has enough skill to get into decent positions against anyone in the world, but who lack the experience of winning and the ability to close the game off. They are also cursed by their permanent refusal to live in the here and now: having offed Duncan Fletcher in 2007 - who was building for a future that was never going to arrive, by playing young players who weren’t up to it – they’re still at it, building for the Ashes, neglecting the job in hand.

There’s no sign of the sort of killer instinct Australia use to have.

Mind you, they looked a right shower today too.

But, though the weather has taken a turn for the terrible, we’ve had two great days of cricket so far and the tournament is shaping up nicely. I mean, I’m not enjoying myself quite as much as old Harsha, who seems crazily delighted and inspired to do some of his useless phrase-making and non-jokes by the mere sight of grass.

But then who is?

His burbling enthusiasm makes Nick ‘I’m just delighted to be here’ Knight look like some kind of emo.

Set Willis on him, I say. That’ll sort him out.