I ‘like’ Harsha Bhogle. I like Bob Willis. But which one’s best?
We’ve had a lot of fun these last 50 issues, haven’t we, readers? No? Well, anyway, as we take fresh guard on the sofa and look forward to another five years of TV gold/mediocrity,
I thought I’d run down my cricket broadcast media leaderboard.
5 Harsha Bhogle presenting the 2007 ICC awards
Within Indian cricket, Bhogle is regarded as something of a legend and, I’m pleased to say, he’s regarded as something of a legend in the Umpire household too. Possibly for different reasons. For while the sub-continent regards him as some kind of latterday John Arlott, we know him best for his fish-out-of-water, Sam Fox-style ‘death’ when presenting the 2007 ICC Awards. I’m not saying presenting cricket’s hopeless answer to the Oscars is easy – boy, it’s a tough gig – but Bhogle’s effort plumbed new depths of sheer jibberish, built on in-jokes he seemed to be having entirely with himself. Tumbleweed, nonsensical quips and confusion were all in plentiful supply but Bhogle just would not stop talking. It was as if someone was screaming in his ear, “Pad! For two weeks!” Grim.
4 Nasser Hussain’s post-match interviews
Propelled only by sheer rage, Nasser and his shaking microphone has match officials the world over (and Steve Harmison) quaking. Like some kind of gantry vigilante, Hussain has a Paxmanesque method of asking the same question over and over. Genuinely cares – a brilliant thing – but sometimes to an extreme – which is even more brilliant.
3 Mark Nicholas on britain’s best dish
From the point where he looked at Caroline’s steak and mushroom pie, beamed back at the camera and said, “It’s a yum-yum day,” I was glued to the sofa. Just as well, or I’d have gone and done something more interesting. As our review had it: “Basically, it’s a bit of cooking, a bit of judging and a lot of padding. But does that stop Nicho applying Ashes ’05-style hyperbole to what is, effectively a village fete jam-making competition? It does not.” “What we’ve proved,” concluded Nicholas as if auditioning for a David Cameron biopic, “is that this nation of ours, this culinary melting pot is home to a vibrant food culture of which we should be mighty proud.” Oh… stop it.
2. Sidhu on ndtv
In issue 33 we compared Paul Allott’s presenting style on Cricket Writers on TV with that of exciteable ex-SPIN columnist Sidhu. One of them had recently concluded his show with a song and a Spitting Image-style puppet sketch of himself, adding, “He who wants a horse and a wife without fault will never have a stead in the stable or an angel in bed,” before blowing a kiss to camera. But can you guess which?
1 Bob Willis in nZ, 2008.
So many Willis moments to choose from. Many will go for the beachside, post-2007 World Cup rant. “The English public aren’t going to put up with it anymore!” he intoned magnificently, halfway through an hour-long dissection of English cricket. “HEADS WILL ROLL! And those heads should be Graveney, Fletcher and Vaughan. They’ve all GOT TO GO!” But for serious Willis watchers, it’s the unsung post-mortem on England’s defeat in Hamilton in 2008 that stands tallest. As we return from an interview with Peter Moores, Willis offers his views. “Well, how many times did we hear the word disappointing, Charles?” he asks shaking his head. “It’s not disappointing. It’s unsatisfactory.” Willis repeats this several times. Phrasemaker that he is, it’s one of the few Willis lines that fans can incorporate into daily life. (“Unfortunately, Andrew Flintoff has been BATTING LIKE A BLIND MAN” would appear to have just the one application.)
And, as ever with the hero of the back page, it’s only funny because it’s true.
The Third Umpire gives his views at twitter.com/thethirdumpire
