Harsha Bhogle. Gordon Bennett.

 

Yep –it’s an Awards ‘Special’ this month as I sit with a handful of tranquilisers in front of the car crash TV that is the ICC Awards. What happens next is what happens next… 

30 secs “Tonight is about lights, cameras and ALL the cricket action over the previous 12 months,” intones a disembodied voice. 

(All about lights? Really? Sounds rubbish.) Just as the Voice promises a “glittering night”, the camera cuts to Jeremy Snape and Cheese Prior shuffling into the hall with all the enthusiasm of chief mourners. 

2 mins Show starts with two full minutes of a Powerpoint display, including a complex explanation of the voting system. Brilliant.

4 mins Hosts Harsha Bhogle and Kass Naidoo are met by applause that defines ‘smattering’. Bhogle looks manically cheerful. “It looks a bit like the Oscars doesn’t it, coming down the steps like that?” he says, cheerfully, gesturing at the set, as the entire audience thinks, “Not really”. “Or maybe one step above that because we’re celebrating unscripted drama not a script that someone has written for someone else.” Already, I want him to go away. 

5 mins “Look around this room!” Bhogle urges, as the audience’s attention wanders. “This is cricket itself!” Camera zooms into a row of empty seats. I lose the will to live.  

7 mins “To present the first award, can we call upon a magnificent hostile fast bowler but such a genial person off it!” burbles Bhogle, nonsensically. Ian Bishop hobbles down the giant stairs aided by a random blonde. Of all the people to choose to present an award after coming down some big stairs they’ve chosen a man who’s recovering from some kind of injury! “Good night everyone,” begins Bishop when he finally hits the stage. 

13 mins  Bhogle’s riffing. “The game’s continuing to grow beyond its traditional boundaries. The word ‘boundary’, though, suggests we’re stifling something, it suggests that we’re preventing… our game’s too beautiful, isn’t it, to have boundaries of any sorts. Except I suspect on grounds,” he twinkles. “And they’re getting a little smaller as well, aren’t they?” This is just jibberish. Surely.

22 mins “Why do you think they chose you to present the women’s award?” Bhogle asks MS Dhoni. There’s an awkward pause, before Dhoni quips: “Because I’m the only one with shoulder-length hair. Me and Nathan Bracken…” What’s he saying? He’s presenting the women’s award because he looks like a woman? 

31 mins  Confusion as head judge Sunny Gavaskar comes onstage from the wrong side. “That’s alright, Sunny,” chirps Bhogle. “It doesn’t matter if you went left or right. You always opened the batting anyway!” This doesn’t make any sense AT ALL. 

39 mins Umpire of the Year time. Stirring fanfarey music, accompanied by montage in which each nominee is shown 1) signalling a six and 2) raising the finger of doom after an LBW appeal. A joke, surely?

56 mins “Nice to see Jonty Rhodes walking down,” 

quips Bhogle, as he and a random blonde lollop down the big stairs. “I thought he might come sliding down!” Good one. 

67 mins  “Before Twenty20 came along there was only one form of the game at international level that saw all the action in one day,” Bhogle begins. What can he mean, readers? “And that, of course, was one-day international cricket,” finishes Bhogle, triumphantly. Gordon Bennett.

76 mins Montage of retiring greats is back-announced by Bhogle. “Legends. Absolute legends. Maybe that’s one way to beat Australia and that’s to get all of them to retire!” he quips, pausing for laughter that never comes. Clapping his hands with misplaced delight, he carries on regardless. “And then we’ll turn up against them. But the game survives all of them and that’s why it’s such a great game. It survived Graeme Pollock, it survived Sunil Gavaskar. And it’ll survive because there’s always younger players coming up and some of them go on to become legends. Some players already become legends while they’re still playing…” I’m not learning anything here. You?

82 mins  Punter Ponting wins cricketer of the year. He talks fluently about the importance of being a role model. Bhogle stands at the side, finally silent. Good.

86 mins  Tickertape finale. I quite like this bit. Only 86 minutes too late. But still.