True-life dramas

From 0898 cricket lines to getting 11 for Sunday, actor Michael Simkins’ cricket memoir rings funny, poignant and true

Fatty batter: how cricket saved my life then ruined it
by Michael Simkins
Random House, £10.99

What a great book. Michael Simkins’ 40 years as a cricket obsessive drive his brilliantly observed memoir. It’s funny, it rings true. His passion is obvious, his writing deceptively light. What do you want? Blood?

The genre of semi-comic memoir, with the author as hapless anti-hero encapsulates both some of the best writing of the last decade and some right old rubbish: journalists providing an accessible way into serious subjects;  failed comedians wringing out droplets of pathos and comedy from a supposed passion for tiddlywinks or Countdown. Hmmm.

Simkins’ first book, What’s My Motivation?, was a comedy-drama account of life in acting’s lower leagues. (His day job has seen him make appearances you may not have noticed in Green Wing, Midsommer Murders and Judge John Deed.) His account of life as a cricket fanatic is also from the top drawer. 

Simkins has a good go at pretty much everything cricket has to offer: a childhood spent playing games with imaginary players; teenage years being the last pick for the school team; and an adult life spent trying to wangle his way into the game in any way possible. 

In the 1990s, he dupes his way into, first, the Lord’s pavilion and then the Test Match Special box, apparently thinking he might be snapped up as a co-commentator on the spot; when that fails, he becomes a ball-by-ball commentator on Sussex games for a pre-web £1-a-minute dial-a-score line. He plays briefly for a Saturday team, but it’s not for him: “I  thought I would enjoy the crack but be useless at the game, whereas the opposite has occurred,” he says, noting that all his team-mates seem to be called Dave: “I’m no aesthete but conversations about how to fix a Vauxhall Cavalier starter motor or whether Tina takes it up the arse have a limited appeal.”

At that point, he sets up his own team. Larks ensue. It’s Simkins’ attention to detail that both provides the comedy and convinces you of his genuine passion. The evenings spent trying to get 11 for Sunday; trying to convince opponents that he’ll be fielding a weakened side, without making the lie too obvious; the ringer who turns out to be too insanely good; being in the post-game pub on his wedding anniversary and sincerely believing the two-hour drive to the restaurant can be done in half an hour if the traffic’s alright… 

There are plenty of lough-out-loud moments, but Simkins is not a red-nosed clown: most of his comedy comes from the closely-observed detail of the uncomfortable
truth, making him a likeable anti-hero rather than a try-hard. It’s a mark of the quality of his writing that even a grim chapter about his mum dying is framed in a cricket context that makes it all the more moving.

The bare facts of the book’s premise – actor tells of love for cricket – might have made Fatty Batter a missable indulgence. Instead, it’s a must-read. Duncan Steer

Episode 8: Hawkeye, dressage and stepladders

The Third Umpire and Jono Russell are joined by SPIN’s Hawkeye guru, Colin Spiro, in a candlelit Wetherspoons to discuss the Olympics – and a bit of cricket too. We talk to SPIN columnist George Dobell and one of the men leading the charge for cricket to be included in the 2020 Olympics, Shahriar Khan of the Asian Cricket Council. PLUS: the chaps debate their dream Test Match Special line-up – will Mike Selvey make it? Also: Colin the Janitor talks about stepladders.